Right Now

I spent a big chunk of the morning today looking through photos while I hunted for garden photos for an upcoming post.  These may have been tears involved when I saw some of the old photos of my little rascal and my girl when she was still so little and didn't cry every night about homework. 

I've been hanging back lately.  Contemplating a blog quit all together.  I tell myself that it's because I want to protect myself, my kids, my heart.  That the world doesn't need any more voyeurism than it already has.  But that doesn't mean I don't need to put anything out there, it means that I need to put my truth out there: it's the only thing the world really needs. I've thought a million times about all of the posts I could do around here over the past month: A list of Christmas books we love, links to easy projects that you actually might actually want to do for Christmas, garden ideas for the spring, little house projects.  But there are a million people out there doing that and doing it so well.  Those posts just feel like work to me.

So, today, a list of things I'm scared that you'll find out about me and judge me for:

:I'm fat.  Actual fat. The word Fat doesn't scare me, but the shame that I'm supposed to feel about it terrifies me and controls so much more of my life that I'd ever like to admit out loud.

:I'm crazy hard to get to know. I'm kind of cold and really closed off in person, even though I really really care about your heart and getting to know you.

:I've been aching lately for real connections.

:My house is dirty and likely always will be and I'm fine with that.

:I closed my business because the thought of doing posed family sessions for eternity made me sick to my stomach and I don't want to have a business that makes me sick to my stomach but I can't figure out a way to make my business work in an alternative way right now. 

:Anxiety eats me alive most days. I've accepted it and try to manage it and most of the time it's fine.  My mom still doesn't believe me that this is the case.

I've been having the craziest dreams lately.  Last week I dreamt that it was early morning and I was trying to make cupcakes for something for school in that vague dream-related way that's not defined.  The whole time, I just kept trying to make these cupcakes and kept having distractions that made me feel like I was making absolutely no progress as my time crunch just kept getting tighter.  The thing was, for once a dream made sense because it's exactly how I've been feeling.  That stuck-in-mud, trying-to-tread-water-and-just-stay-afloat, only functioning in that one-foot-in-front-of-other capacity that makes you feel like you just keep going underwater or like you're walking in fog without knowing where you're going or when you'll get there.  The thing is, I'm really not busy.  I'm not running from one thing to the next without keeping up.  My commitments are things that I actually want to do for the most part and they're all within the boundaries of time I want to spend, I've been so careful about that in the past year.  But I still feel like I'm grasping for straws and it's such a completely sucky way to function.  This is how depression and anxiety manifest for me.  It's always an underlying current, but usually it's not dominant and it doesn't feel like a fight. Lately, it feels like a kicking-and-screaming fight on a daily basis just to accomplish anything.  The bare minimum happens and we wind up with piles and piles of laundry if John doesn't do it because I JUST CAN'T.  It may be related to the weariness of having kids home for over two weeks and the endless bickering that was wearing the heck out of my already sensitive nerves or the holidays or a million other things, but it's there. 

My sister and I were talking recently about how everyone is crazy.  We just all are, in our own unique way.  I think that's what makes the world interesting and lovely.  But she looked at me and said, "Except you. You're the most normal!"  And I wasn't offended by it, but I was taken aback.  Because even my own sister just sees in me the trying-to-keep-it-together face without realizing that I spend a whole lot of time and effort on creating the calm that I want my life to be.  

So, today, just for the record: I'm not ok, but I think that's ok.  Does that make sense?  I don't think any of us are ever really "fine" and I think that's 100% normal and I want to talk about it more.