Right Now

I spent a big chunk of the morning today looking through photos while I hunted for garden photos for an upcoming post.  These may have been tears involved when I saw some of the old photos of my little rascal and my girl when she was still so little and didn't cry every night about homework. 

I've been hanging back lately.  Contemplating a blog quit all together.  I tell myself that it's because I want to protect myself, my kids, my heart.  That the world doesn't need any more voyeurism than it already has.  But that doesn't mean I don't need to put anything out there, it means that I need to put my truth out there: it's the only thing the world really needs. I've thought a million times about all of the posts I could do around here over the past month: A list of Christmas books we love, links to easy projects that you actually might actually want to do for Christmas, garden ideas for the spring, little house projects.  But there are a million people out there doing that and doing it so well.  Those posts just feel like work to me.
So, today, a list of things I'm scared that you'll find out about me and judge me for:
:I'm fat.  Actual fat. The word Fat doesn't scare me, but the shame that I'm supposed to feel about it terrifies me and controls so much more of my life that I'd ever like to admit out loud.
:I'm crazy hard to get to know. I'm kind of cold and really closed off in person, even though I really really care about your heart and getting to know you.
:I've been aching lately for real connections.
:My house is dirty and likely always will be and I'm fine with that.
:I closed my business because the thought of doing posed family sessions for eternity made me sick to my stomach and I don't want to have a business that makes me sick to my stomach but I can't figure out a way to make my business work in an alternative way right now. 
:Anxiety eats me alive most days. I've accepted it and try to manage it and most of the time it's fine.  My mom still doesn't believe me that this is the case.
I've been having the craziest dreams lately.  Last week I dreamt that it was early morning and I was trying to make cupcakes for something for school in that vague dream-related way that's not defined.  The whole time, I just kept trying to make these cupcakes and kept having distractions that made me feel like I was making absolutely no progress as my time crunch just kept getting tighter.  The thing was, for once a dream made sense because it's exactly how I've been feeling.  That stuck-in-mud, trying-to-tread-water-and-just-stay-afloat, only functioning in that one-foot-in-front-of-other capacity that makes you feel like you just keep going underwater or like you're walking in fog without knowing where you're going or when you'll get there.  The thing is, I'm really not busy.  I'm not running from one thing to the next without keeping up.  My commitments are things that I actually want to do for the most part and they're all within the boundaries of time I want to spend, I've been so careful about that in the past year.  But I still feel like I'm grasping for straws and it's such a completely sucky way to function.  This is how depression and anxiety manifest for me.  It's always an underlying current, but usually it's not dominant and it doesn't feel like a fight. Lately, it feels like a kicking-and-screaming fight on a daily basis just to accomplish anything.  The bare minimum happens and we wind up with piles and piles of laundry if John doesn't do it because I JUST CAN'T.  It may be related to the weariness of having kids home for over two weeks and the endless bickering that was wearing the heck out of my already sensitive nerves or the holidays or a million other things, but it's there. 
My sister and I were talking recently about how everyone is crazy.  We just all are, in our own unique way.  I think that's what makes the world interesting and lovely.  But she looked at me and said, "Except you. You're the most normal!"  And I wasn't offended by it, but I was taken aback.  Because even my own sister just sees in me the trying-to-keep-it-together face without realizing that I spend a whole lot of time and effort on creating the calm that I want my life to be.  

So, today, just for the record: I'm not ok, but I think that's ok.  Does that make sense?  I don't think any of us are ever really "fine" and I think that's 100% normal and I want to talk about it more.


  1. I hope you keep blogging. I enjoy visiting your site. I've been through the same sorts of feelings off and on, especially this past year. I bet most bloggers who do so from the heart would nod to many of your bullet points. And maybe that's what keeps us here, writing post after post even when we think we should just shut it down. Like you, I'm not the easiest person to get to know and I know/accept that about myself. But blogging allows me a chance to express myself in ways that I might never do verbally. I've thought about making my blog more purposeful to the outside world (book lists, easy DIY, etc), but my thoughts on those types of posts mirror yours. It's not where my heart is. Just be yourself. We'll love you and we'll keep reading! In the meantime, I'll be sending warm thoughts of health and joy your way.

  2. I love what Nichole wrote. I was going to say something along the same lines. Writing and sharing your beautiful ideas and photography from the heart is absolutely not voyeurism; it's your own beautiful self, and I guarantee you someone is connecting with you. And being a long-time blogger myself, I came to understand that even if not one single person reads my blog, that is okay. I write it for myself. It is my gratitude practice. Through it, I've built a small, beautiful community around me. For me, that is enough. I know that now.
    I've spent the better part of the last year quieting my life to hear the real connections in it. I have had to let go of more "friendships" than I'd care to admit, identifying that even though I have known some of these women for many years now, we really only "talk" via Facebook. We really aren't true friends, just two women who know each other and are friendly when we see each other. I think these big social media circles can wreak some serious havoc on one's psyche. I've also narrowed down my blog reading to only those that I truly connect with. And I stopped visiting a gazillion photographer's sites because the more and more I did that, I couldn't find my own vision and my creative process felt like muck. Aside from my family, my creative process is my life, so I felt pretty shitty. A lot.
    Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that I think you are beautiful, Lillian. Your blog is one of a handful I still read after all these years. I'll be thinking of you, sending love, light, and peace. xo

  3. (not meant to imply that having a FB community is a bad thing. Just not good if you let it become the bulk of your "friendships" instead of some real in person time with a few good friends, which I was doing and realized I needed to get away from.) :)

  4. I found your blog from your intro on the Blue Biker group and I'm glad I did. Your list here just makes me want to get to know you, which I can't necessarily say for bloggers whose blogs are full of "easy craft projects." Though I admit to writing those posts occasionally, too. I know I feel most in tune and I get the strongest response from readers when I write a little on the side of vulnerable. Not way over there, because it is the internet, after all, but show up with what's true for me. Which isn't always pretty. I hope you will keep blogging!


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